The last few months have been rough for me. I knew that we were supposed to have another baby and it took me a while after Landen to feel ready to take on that experience again. I was excited when we got pregnant and wasn't totally prepared for how sick I would feel for the first trimester. I made it through that as I told myself that I could do this cause it was my last time. I felt like I was only a few inches underground in life and could come out from this. THEN... Bryce got a new position at T-Mobile that required almost weekly traveling to somewhere in the USA and generally longer office hours. This tested me a bit more and I felt like I had sunk down another bit underground. I think that this is when I started to panic a bit but didn't totally realize it. To make sure that I could top off a complete panic attack... I received my calling for relief society, a realization through specific feelings that this ISN'T our last child and then we found out that this baby appears to be a VERY active boy (as I am struggling with trying to get the two boys we have to stay entertained with something other than fighting with each other.) NOW I am feeling 6 feet under and don't know how to dig myself out of it. I can't change ONE thing on my stress list. I have to have a plan and for these things I didn't have a plan to help my feelings. I am not good with this stuff. I don't like to struggle... but who does?
I can't totally explain exactly what changed. I still have all of the same responsibilities on my plate but I think my perspective changed a bit. I was able to take a step back and notice how much Abbey and Braxton can do for themselves and to help me. Landen was sick this weekend and we didn't make his bed once or twice... and guess what?!... it was OKAY! Life still went on and Landen didn't care one bit that he didn't have to make his bed (believe it or not). :) There are a bunch of other things that I realized too:
*My life will slow down when I have a baby... but it isn't going to end like I have felt like it would.
*I think that my kids will be okay to watch a bit more tv or such to give me a minute to myself.
*Bryce is happier with his job and doesn't need to motorbike quite so much to get a stress relief.
*Bryce can now take the older 3 kids motorbiking all at the same time!!! :)
I still know that I don't do well without good sleep. It isn't easy for me to have a newborn baby but I can finally say that I am excited for him to come! I wonder if it is possible to have "prepartum" blues... cause looking back at it all... I think that I did.
I can now breathe a sigh of emotional relief and I am excited for when the baby comes and I can phycically breathe again too (without heartburn!) 5 weeks and counting!
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4 comments:
I am sorry that you had to go though all of that. It is not always easy when the Lord wants us to do something when we do not, but I do know that he will bless us when we do. Let me know if I can ever help you. Good Luck with the new baby. Hope you have everything that you need.
Hey you also have 3 fabulous friends who live practically next door (oh wait) and just a phone call away if you need ANYTHING!
P.S. Yes pre-baby blues are indeed possible!
I know what you mean. Four seems like this larger than life (or at least me) number. Can I take care of them all well enough, love them good enough, pay proper attention to each of them... let alone the household things, husband, calling, etc. etc.? I think you are right, perspective is what we gain along the way as we experience life. We can toss out the unnecessaries to make more room for the necessaries. And just imagine yourself surrounded by your older children while holding your brand new baby, who reminds you that they just don't stay little long enough, while the big kids remind you that you are raising some pretty amazing little people.
As for the "what's more to come"... one day at a time is how I have to take it, otherwise I become so overwhelmed I'm not my best self.
Thanks for the thoughtful and honest post. It made me think.
I had no idea you felt this way. Please call if you need anyting, If I can come help you fold clothes or anything. I am glad that you wrote your honest feelings. It's hard to have a husband gone a lot! I know!! Call me if you need to just talk. :) Love ya Amie!
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