Holding it together

Mason's due date came and went and here is sit still pregnant. I went to my appointment on Wednesday and was dilated to a 3 and thinned out. The doctor couldn't believe that I hadn't had this baby yet. He said that for sure I won't make it past this weekend. Things are not looking super hopeful though. I felt HORRIBLE last night while we were at Costco and thought for sure the baby was going to come last night. Abbey thought that one of the times I had to use the bathroom at the store that I was going in to have the baby in the bathroom!! LOL! That sicks me out just thinking about it. Anyway, by the time we got home and Bryce put the kids to bed my cramping had stopped and my stomach didn't feel sick anymore. This isn't nice to mess with me like this! I am feeling quite good today but getting huge. It is so hard to move around and my energy is gone. How bad is it that I am ready to be at the hospital where somebody will bring me meals and I can sit in bed all day? I know that is the bright side of the hospital stay (besides having an adorable baby) but I have to think of the bright side cause I think I burst into tears if I think about all the "not so bright things" about being there. I think my emotions are hanging on by a string. Here is what is running through my head... it might make sense... it might not... but they are my thoughts and so here you have it:

*I am worried I can't be a nice mom to 4 kids. I have a hard time w/ interruptions and lots of unexpected noise.

*I am so tired of being pregnant, not being able to bend over, having heartburn every time I do and my lower section of my body stinging/burning in protest of still being pregnant.

*Am I ready for sleepless nights, a million dirty diapers, sore breasts from the early stages of breast feeding and a few of the other yucky things that come w/ just having a baby. (No need to go into detail on those!)

* Can I keep it together after Bryce goes back to work, starts traveling as soon as he goes back to work and also does his motorbike races?

*I want this baby to come so bad and I start to worry that something might go wrong at delivery or even before and all of my selfish complaints and worries are for nothing.

*I want Mason to have dark hair when he is born and lots of it! Stupid I know but all of my other kids have had it. Besides... something has to validate all of this heartburn!

Anyway- I am excited, exhausted, terrified, anxious, happy and still trying to have patience. I go back to the doctor on Monday and will be a week overdue if I make that appointment. I looked up some stuff on the internet today about self-inducing labor and it talks about stress preventing labor. Hmmmm... I am a high stress person... no wonder this baby hasn't come yet! I was teasing Bryce that running errands w/ the boys this morning, rushing to Abbey's "teddy bear picnic" at school that was totally crazy, getting Braxton to a birthday party, helping Abbey w/ her piano practicing, dinner for my family, etc... what could be more relaxing than that?! I survived it all to now have peace and quiet to journal for a minute. Now it is time to chat w/ Bryce! :)